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Transcripts/Alone on VALENTINE'S DAY!
Thomas: Roses are red, violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. Tulips go in all sorts of colors, so do Roses. I really like flowers. Daffodils are also yellow. *logo* Thomas: What is up everybody?! It's that time of year again: Valentine's day. Do you have a date? I don't, and I don't know where I'm going to get one, approaching people is difficult. Anxiety: That's an understatement. Thomas: Oh! Anxiety... Perfect, that settles it; I'm not gonna approach anyone this year. Morality: Now, don't say that! It's still possible. Anxiety: Morality, don't lie to him. Thomas: Yeah, meeting people is hard. Logic: Doesn't have to be. Princey: Logic is right. Thomas: Wow, my fanciful side is agreeing with my logical side. Logic: Thomas, in this instance, pragmatism and optimism aren't necessarily contradictory. Morality: I know big words too! Saxophone... Thomas: Okay, so you guys think there is a way to not spend my Valentine's day alone? Princey: Oh yeah! Thomas: How? Morality: We just need to go about it the right way! Let's put our heads together and create a game plan. First, we'll need someone to practice on... Logic: But who? Morality: Each other? Thomas: No, no! How about we... use... my friend! Valerie! Anxiety: Valerie? *ping* Thomas: Valerie. Morality: Hey! Princey: Hey! Logic: Salutations. Thomas: So, explain to me how you would go about securing a date with Valerie for Valentine's day. Anxiety: I've got an idea: Don't! Don't even try. Morality: Now, Anxiety, if you don't wanna participate, you can just sit this one out. Anxiety: That's... not exactly how I work... *ping* Logic: Now! I know we are all about to get into some big confusing discussion, but there is no need to over-complicate things. I have the solution! The trick to getting a date is to just be completely upfront and honest, alright? (to Valerie) Hello. Valerie: Hello. Logic: We are humans. Valerie: Yes. Logic: As humans, one possible objective is to procreate... Valerie: Yes. Logic: Therefore, would you like to copulate with me? Valerie: Yes. Logic: There, done. Morality: Wow! Thomas: ...That's not how people work! Princey: You had no tact whatsoever. Logic: Fine. Hello! Do you like food? Valerie: Yes. Logic: Do you like romantic outings? Valerie: Yes. Logic: I can provide both of those things. Therefore, you will be my date. Valerie: Yes. Logic: Happy? Thomas: (doubtful) Seriously? Logic: Yes! And then you continue to... talk-talk-talk until eventual marriage and/or copulation. That's the process. Anxiety: Yeah, if your life is a Sims game. Logic: That's ridiculous. This is what it would be like if your life is a Sims game: & Valerie: -talk in Simmish- Thomas: Stop it. Stop! Anxiety: If you went about tryin' get a date that way, it would look like this: Logic: Hello, do you like food? Valerie: Yeah... Logic: Do you like romantic outings? Valerie: I mean, sometimes...? Logic: I can provide both of those things. Therefore, you would be my date. Valerie: (stuttering) ...I'm… I'm uh... go. Anxiety: Just saying. Thomas: Yeah... Princey: Your problem is you didn't woo her with any gusto. You know what people like? Morality: Bagels! Princey: ...No, what? Maybe. Um... Poetry! Logic: Poetry? *ping* Princey: Allow me to recite Shakespeare's sonnet 138. "When my love swears to me that she is made of truth I do believe her, though I know she lies. That she might think me some untutor'd youth..." (Morality: aww!) Logic: Gonna stop you right there. That sonnet is about an older man and an unfaithful girl, lying to preserve their relationship. Princey: Oh. Logic: Yeah... So... um, might I recommend Shakespeare's sonnet 18? "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" Morality: I mean, I wouldn't recommend reading someone else's words. You need to say what's in your heart! Anxiety: -chuckles- Come on, if you do that, you could get all tongue tied... Jumbled... Confused. *ping* Morality: Well, then you write it all before hand in a letter. -laughs- "Dear Valerie, Happy 'Valerie-ntine's' day... wow, that didn't come off quite as well as I would've liked it to. Maybe not one of my best jokes. Um, well, er..." (continues reading) Princey: He wrote this down? Morality: "I don't quite know how to proceed here... but I would like to ask... Hmm, how do I put this? I would like to speak from the heart, but hearts don't have mouths... Well, that was a little weird to say..." (continues reading) Logic: This was the whole problem he was trying to circumnavigate. Morality: "...Hum. Wow, uh, is it hot in here? It's a little hot in here to me... I'm getting a little bit sweaty..." Thomas: Okay! I think that was... That was a bit of a failed experiment. Morality: Fine! No words. (starts to hug her) Anxiety: No. No! Thomas: What if that were a stranger? Logic: You can't just touch people. Morality: Okay! Then you create a gift to give them! A drawing! Here you go. Princey: But that could be just taken as a gift from a friend. Valerie: Wow! Thanks! Anxiety: Or worse... Valerie: Wow, this is horrible. I never realized how stupid and untalented you are. Morality: -laughing- Well, I'm hopelessly crushed. Thomas: Yeah, wow... Morality: Look, the main point I wanted to get is that you should try to make them feel special! Don't talk about yourself so much and make sure they feel heard. Princey: (upset) Not talk about me... Logic: But then, why would they buy what you're selling if they don't know anything about you? Princey: Agreed! There is a way to simultaneously make them feel special AND show them how awesome you are! Thomas: How? Princey: You find out what might be making their life difficult. Morality: (almost crying) Yeah? Princey: And you kill it. Anxiety: What?? *ping* Princey: You there! Young maiden, what is burdening your life? Perhaps an evil stepmother? Or a dragon witch? Logic: A dragon witch? Valerie: Yes! This dragon witch has been ruining my life! Witch: F*ck you, Valerie. Princey: I SHALL SAVE YOU! Thomas: Is that a samurai sword? Princey: -angry yell- *sword sounds and groans* Witch: Ahh, my spleen! Princey: All saved! Valerie: You made me feel special! And you are awesome! Princey: What can I say? I'm a mean spleen stabbin machine. Logic: (whispering) In no reality would this be a situation. Princey: And afterwards you do a grand gesture! Morality: That wasn't a grand gesture? Princey: You wed them! Will you marry me? Valerie: Yes! *gasps* (in Spanish) Ay, I have waited for you so long, Tomás... Do you really love me? Princey: (Also Spanish) I assure you, I love you with all my heart. Valerie: -sigh- Ay! Logic: How do you know Spanish?! Thomas: I don't even know Spanish, Princey: Look, this is what you gotta do. Anxiety: There is no way he could do any of that! Besides, weddings are nothing but outdated, expensive pageantry. Princey: What?! Anxiety: Plus, the diamond industry is incredibly unethical. Morality: What?! Logic: Sure! Have you heard of "blood diamonds"? They-- Thomas: Okay, stop. Don't... You are upsetting him. Logic: Okay. Well... Princey: So, we are at a loss for what to do... Logic: There's gotta be something we haven't thought about! Morality: I'm feeling all types of bad. Anxiety: -growls- This whole thing is pointless! Thomas: Yes! We already know your point of view. Anxiety: Look, all I'm saying is this just a waste of time! Psyching yourself out over cheap tactics that have never been useful to you before, I mean, seriously, Thomas! In any past relationship you've ever been in, haven't they always developed when you least expected them to? Thomas: Huh. You actually... have a point. Logic: You were never actively searching for someone. Morality: You met someone, got to know them casually, and then the feelings started there! Princey: The romance came about naturally. Anxiety: I wasn't trying to... help. Thomas: No, this is great! It really helps to put things into perspective! I shouldn't be trying to force things to happen just for some... day. That's probably the best thing to keep in min-... *ping* & Valerie: Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man… Thomas: Morality, can you... leave Valerie alone for one second? & Valerie: Ugh. Thomas: And if I happen to meet someone, I really don't have anything to lose. I'll be upfront and honest, I'll speak from the heart and make them feel heard, and when the time is right, I can work in some grand, realistic, romantic gestures. Princey: Yeah, okay. Thomas: Even if it doesn't work out! Isn't Valentine's day about much more than just romantic love? Morality: Well, there is love for your family. Logic: Love for your work. Anxiety: Low-stake platonic love, where people don't expect as much from you. Princey: And self-love! Thomas: And if that's what we need to focus on for Valentine's day... Valerie! The Valerie who is my amazing friend, and not a hypothetical stranger Valerie. I would like to express my platonic, friend love for you with a nice hug. Yeah? Valerie: Yeah! Morality: Aw! Thomas: And as for self-love; you guys, the different aspects of my personality, I suggest you all say "I love you" to each other. Morality: I love you all so much! Logic: I loooove... you?... Morality: If I could give you all butterfly kisses, do you know what those are? With the eyelashes? Logic: I... love you- and... Morality: You make my life complete. Logic: Your existence is inconsequential-I mean, unimportant... I mean... gooooood. Princey: What can I say? You are all so handsome. Logic: Well, that does make sense. Princey: Just not as handsome as me. Logic: That does not make sense. Princey: Well, you two have glasses, you know? Like, nerds! Anxiety: -smirks- Princey: What are you laughing at, Hot Topic? Anxiety: Aw, you think I'm hot. Morality: Princey, tell us you love us. Now. Princey: -sighs- I love you. Anxiety: I don't know how you expect me to say it. You all took turns. You are all looking at me... Morality: Come on! Anxiety: Can it just be like, an understood thing? Morality: -gasps- You're implying that you love us! Anxiety: No... Princey: Look! His face is so red behind that white foundation. Anxiety: I hate everything about this. *ducks out* Morality: Well, this was adorable! *ducks out* Thomas: It was! Logic: Call me when you have something a little less feelings-y. *ducks out* Thomas: Will do. Princey: I gotta go bury that dragon witch body. *ducks out* Thomas: Okay, you do that. And for all of you, whether you are spending Valentine's day with a romantic partner, friends, or alone, take the day to celebrate love in all its wonderful forms. And until next time, take it easy guys, gals and non-binary pals! Peace out! *end card* Princey: Honestly, my way would've totally worked, you guys. Anxiety: Totally would not have. Logic: You think you can do better? Anxiety: Better than that! Morality: Well, then you get a chance! *ping* Anxiety: Fine. First, you take her by the hand. Then you... Princey: Oh my Anxiety: -groans- Princey: GOD! (background screams) Logic: Nice one! Morality: (playing pattycake with Valerie) What I do? Category: Transcripts